Frozen AUs week shorts
by mathspook777
Summary: Seven short stories for Frozen AUs week, July 2015. The Boy (Age!AU), Forest Fire (Magic!AU), A Real Boy (Disney!AU, Pinocchio crossover), The Judgment (Ancient!AU), Sir Anna and the Green Knight (Medieval!AU), Small Claims (TV!AU), Moby-Hans (Book!AU).
1. The Boy

The docking was swift, showing an enthusiasm that was more than practice and more than weeks at sea. But after the gangplank clattered against the pier, nobody moved. The sailors retreated from sight, and Kai, as he stood on the dock, could see nobody.

Minutes passed. It was hot today, unusually so for Arendelle. Kai pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his brow.

There was a clumping noise from the deck, and a boy no older than thirteen strode down the gangplank. He stopped in front of Kai. "Prince Hans of the Southern Isles," the boy announced.

Kai eyed the boy, noting his skinny frame, undeveloped muscles, and utter lack of a beard. "You? You're the representative from the Southern Isles? But, but," he stammered. Recovering his composure, Kai bowed. "Your Highness, Arendelle is pleased to welcome you to Princess Elsa's coronation."

"I'm most interested in meeting the princess," said Hans. "Is she receiving visitors?"

The sailors had crowded around the ship's rails. Kai saw fear and horror on their faces. "No, the princess never receives anyone." A frown passed over the boy's face. "But she'll host a ball after the coronation." The boy's delight was transparent.

As Kai escorted Hans to the castle, the boy attacked him with questions. "What does the princess look like?" and "Has she ever been in love?" and "Does she have many suitors?" were only the beginning. When Hans learned that Elsa had a younger sister, he began the same line of questioning about her.

After Kai had escorted Hans to his room, he left to find Elsa. When he found her in her study, however, he wasn't sure how to broach the subject. "Your Majesty," he said, "Prince Hans of the Southern Isles has arrived."

Elsa nodded. "Mmm," she said. She was pondering the portrait of her father.

"He's, well, I don't want to be presumptuous, Ma'am."

Elsa's eyes left the portrait. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's a boy, about thirteen years old. And he's very interested in, uh." Kai's face was red. He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped his brow again.

"In?"

Kai said the words quickly, as if he wanted to push them away and forget them. "Your Majesty and her sister's romantic attachments."

Elsa pursed her lips. "Our romantic attachments? But what…?" she muttered. Then she drew in a deep breath and laughed. "Of course! He's thirteenth in line!" She chuckled again. "It sounds like he's not very good at disguising his interest?"

"Not at all, Ma'am. He's, as I said, only thirteen."

"Well then," she said, turning back to the portrait of her father. "Maybe he'll be amusing."

But when Prince Hans' horse "accidentally" bumped into Princess Anna, she wasn't amused. "That boy seemed to think I'd just fall into his arms," she complained to Elsa. "It was like a bad romance novel. You know, the kind where the hero and the heroine won't admit they're in love until they kiss by accident?"

"The kind you like."

"Well, yeah. Except this was a pimple-faced boy. And he had clearly planned the whole thing."

The prince's fortunes didn't improve at the coronation ball. After asking Elsa to dance and turning petulant when she refused–"I'm a good dancer, you'd like it!" he had said–he approached the single ladies, in order of precedence from the highest Princess to the lowest Baroness, and attempted to whisk them off their feet, despite not coming up to their shoulders.

As Elsa and Anna stood on the dais receiving visitors, Anna remarked, "He's pathetic. So desperate and so obvious."

Hans was chatting with a fat elderly widow, the Viscountess du Rougeau. Elsa said, "Maybe he'll be a formidable opponent in a few years. He's practicing." She sipped her champagne. "Though come to think of it, I never get any practice socializing with people. Maybe some day I'll fall victim to someone like him."

"You? Of course not. Besides, if you wanted to practice, you could just open the gates."

"No, no, I can't do that."

"For my sake, then. So I don't fall victim to a grown-up Hans." The Viscountess du Rougeau had turned away from Hans in mid-sentence.

"Well, maybe that wouldn't be so bad."


	2. Forest Fire

The reindeer shook himself as he trotted. Snow and ice fell off of his coat, and steam rose from his nostrils. It was nearly dark, but they were still at least an hour away from home.

Two men walked out of the shadows, blocking the narrow path through the forest. Kristoff tugged on the reins. "Whoa, Sven," he said as the sled pulled to a stop. "Who's there?" he called.

"That's a nice sled you have there," said the taller man. "Looks expensive."

Kristoff looked behind. Two more men had emerged from the forest, blocking the path back.

The tall man continued, "A man with a sled like that must have a lot of money." The men pulled out knives. "What I wonder is, has he ever learned to share?"

Sven dug at the ground with his hoof. "Sven, don't," said Kristoff. "Not right now." Sven whinnied, and thick steam escaped from his mouth. Kristoff said, "Uh, guys, you really don't want to do this."

The tall man snickered. He waved his knife. "You don't have to get hurt. Just hand over your money." Sven growled and narrowed his eyes. The man advanced towards Sven. "What's the matter, little reindeer?"

With a roar, Sven's mouth burst open, and a column of flame enveloped both the tall man and his partner. The men screamed. Sven paused to take a breath and blew again, even hotter now. Sven pulled the sled to the side, almost off of the path, to face behind. A third breath of fire shot down the path, setting the men behind ablaze.

As the robbers ran away, their burning clothes lighting up the dusk, Kristoff leaned back in his seat and looked up at the sky. "Enough already, Sven." Sven was panting, and little wisps of flame were rising from his nostrils. "I said enough." Kristoff got out of the sled and looked around. He went to a nearby tree, picked up some snow, and quenched a smoldering patch of bark. After investigating the remaining trees, he said, "You know the rules. No fire breath in the forest! We can't burn the forest down again."

"But they would have robbed us," said Kristoff-as-Sven.

"I know." Kristoff led him back to the path. "Come on, let's keep going. If we're late, Anna's going to be mad, and you know what that means. It means no carrot magic."


	3. A Real Boy

When Olaf spotted the wagon, he clapped his hands and raced ahead. "Look!" he said, running so fast his flurry almost couldn't keep up. "A traveling toymaker!" He left Anna and Elsa behind, and as he reached the booth the toymaker had set up, he called out, "Hi! I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs! Do you have any toys?"

The toymaker, a young man with thick black hair and a button nose, leaned forward and shook Olaf's hand. "Pleased to meet you, Olaf. My name is Pinocchio. Would you like to buy a toy?"

"Wow," said Olaf as he admired the cuckoo clocks. "What about those?" he asked, pointing at the puppets.

"They're puppets," Pinocchio said. He picked up a wooden soldier and made it dance. "You know, I used to be a puppet once."

"Really?"

"My father Geppetto wished upon a star for me to come alive, and the Blue Fairy turned me into a real boy."

"I've always wanted to be a real boy! Do you think the Blue Fairy could turn me into a real boy?"

"Yes, I think she could. You just have to wish upon a star. Come back and see me again when you're a real boy, okay?"

That evening, as Olaf lay in bed, looking at the stars with drooping eyes, he repeated, "Blue Fairy, please make me a real boy. Blue Fairy, please make me a real boy."

Just as Olaf was nodding off to sleep, there was a glimmer of light, and the Blue Fairy appeared. "Olaf," she called. His head shot upright. "Olaf, I've come here to make you a real boy. You'll have to be brave, truthful, and unselfish. Do you think you can do that?"

"Oh boy oh boy! I mean, yes! Please make me a real boy!"

The Blue Fairy waved her wand and touched it to Olaf's forehead. His snow turned into warm pink flesh, his carrot nose shrunk, and his arms filled out. "Remember," she said, "Be a good boy. Always let your conscience be your guide. And don't trust Pinocchio."

The next morning, Olaf got up before Elsa and Anna awoke. He went running to the city square where Pinocchio's wagon was set up. "Look, look, look!" Olaf called. "I'm a real boy! I'm a real boy!"

"Is that so?" asked Pinocchio. "Come here, boy. I have something special for you."

Pinocchio led Olaf into the back of the wagon. Olaf wrinkled his nose. "Something here is yucky," he said.

"It looks like the Blue Fairy visited you last night," said Pinocchio. "Did she say anything to you?"

"Well, er, I guess..."

"Well?"

"Not really." With a little shimmer, Olaf's nose grew long and turned orange. He crossed his eyes, straining to see what he had only felt, then touched his fingers up and down the length of his nose. "Did something just happen?" he asked.

"Don't worry," said Pinocchio. He took out a tankard and filled it from a keg. "Here you are, Olaf," he said, giving him the tankard. "Now that you're a real boy you can appreciate a good drink."

Olaf sipped the beer and almost spat it out again. "It's bitter."

"Maybe you're still just a snowman, then," said Pinocchio, reaching for the tankard.

"No, I can drink it," said Olaf. He forced himself to guzzle half the tankard, then burped. He tried to look at Pinocchio, but his eyes couldn't focus.

"Good job," said Pinocchio. "I have something else for you try." He pulled a cigar out of his coat pocket. "Here you go. Only a real boy can appreciate a cigar."

Pinocchio put the cigar in Olaf's mouth and lit it. Olaf felt the hot smoke tingling in his mouth and making his throat itch, but he held it in until he erupted in a fit of coughing.

Pinocchio picked up the cigar from where it had fallen to the floor. "Now, come on, that's not how a real boy would do it," he said. He shoved the cigar back into Olaf's mouth. "Take a real drag." As Olaf sucked the smoke deep into his lungs, his face turned green. Pinocchio laughed. "There's a good boy!"

"I don't know that I like being a boy," said Olaf. He got up. "It's been real nice, but I should be going now."

"Shut up," said Pinocchio, grabbing Olaf by the arm. He threw Olaf into a cage and locked the door. "You're mine now, you jackass. See?" Pinocchio held up a mirror.

When Olaf saw the donkey ears on his head, he tried to shriek, but it came out as, "Hee haw!"

Pinocchio loomed over the cage. "Are you going to cause trouble, or are you going to stay quiet back here?"

"N-N-No, I'll be quiet," said Olaf. And as he looked down at the hands and feet the Blue Fairy had granted him last night, they turned into hooves.

On his way out of the city, Pinocchio was stopped by the city guard. "The queen has asked us to search for the missing snowman Olaf," the guard explained.

"Go right ahead," said Pinocchio as he puffed on a cigar.

A moment later, the guards signaled, "All clear. Thank you, sir."

"My pleasure," said Pinocchio, as he whipped the donkey pulling his wagon to a trot. As he left Arendelle, he laughed and said to himself, "Thanks, Father, for teaching me an honest trade. But selling boys is so much more profitable."


	4. The Judgment

1 At that time, the prophetess Anna daughter of Agnarr judged Israel. And she dwelt under the palm tree between Ramah and Bethel in Mount Ephraim, and all Israel came up to her for judgment.

2 A woman of Judah was accused of witchcraft, so the children of Israel brought the woman to Anna.

3 Hans of the tribe of Westergaard said unto Anna, "This woman Elsa is a witch. She maketh ice and snow, which is abhorrent unto the LORD; for why would He have taken us up out of Egypt and into this desert if He did not want us to get sunburned?"

4 And the woman Elsa said, "The LORD hath blessed me with ice and snow so that Israel may water their crops and their livestock, and that once in a while they might have a margarita or two."

5 And the spirit of the prophetess Anna daughter of Agnarr was troubled, and she said, "Return unto me tomorrow, for I must pray to the LORD for guidance."

6 When they had left her, she prayed, "O LORD, my heart shudders within me, and my loins are vexed. For the man Hans is gorgeous, but the woman Elsa is damned sexy. And I am totally in over my head with this judging thing."

7 So the LORD sent her BFF Kristoff unto her, and he said, "O Anna, why dost thou doubtest the LORD? Get thee up and visit the woman Elsa this night, that thou mayest see for thyself what the LORD hath wrought for the sake of Israel."

8 So the prophetess Anna daughter of Agnarr went to see Elsa in the tent where they were keeping her.

9 And there was a great crowd of men and women from all over Israel surrounding the tent. And when Anna inquired of the crowd why they were there, she was told, "The woman Elsa is giving out snow cones."

10 So Anna asked for a snow cone, but Elsa said, "The LORD came to me in a dream and said, 'Thou shalt not give the prophetess Anna a snow cone until she doeth right in Mine eyes.'"

11 And Anna prayed to the LORD for guidance, and after she had heard the voice of the LORD, she and Elsa did what was right in His eyes until the sun rose. And Elsa gave Anna a snow cone.

12 The next day, Hans and Elsa appeared before Anna again for judgment. And Anna said, "The LORD hath spoken to me. Hans of the tribe of Westergaard, thou art a poopyhead."

13 But the men of Israel asked, "Did not Moses say that it is an abomination for two women to lie together?"

14 So Anna and Elsa kissed, and the cuteness struck blind the men of Israel. And Anna said, "Pray unto the LORD that He might cure you of your blindness." And the men of Israel prayed, and the LORD cured them of their blindness.

15 The men of Israel took Hans and forced him to smoke weed until he passed out. So Hans was stoned to death.

16 And the prophetess Anna daughter of Agnarr lived with Elsa, and she judged Israel for forty years.


	5. Sir Anna and the Green Knight

(with apologies to the author of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, who is a much better poet than I ever shall be.)

King Arthur gave his noble knights, before  
the Christmas feast, a challenge to astound  
his ears with tales of glory new and true.  
A wild wind then swept the hall and chilled  
them to the bone. In green from head to toe  
she stood, a half a head above the men,  
a giantess whose verdant skin did glow.

"What cowards, churls and crooks you are, a poor  
excuse for men! I crave a Christmas gift,  
and dare you all to give it. Strike upon  
my neck a blow, and sever bone and flesh.  
A year from now, come visit me and let  
me strike upon your neck that self-same blow."

A clamor came from all the knights, aroused  
to test their worth. But Anna, youngest of  
the knights, did shrink upon her seat, afraid  
to risk her life. So Arthur raised his hand  
and said, "Sir Anna must, to prove her worth,  
accept this stranger's challenge." Heavily  
did Anna rise and take the stranger's axe.  
With bowing head, the green-skinned girl did toss  
her braid aside, and trembling with the fear  
of death did Anna strike the stranger's neck.

The wild woman caught her head before  
it touched the ground. Her voice rang through the hall,  
"A year from now, come seek me out. I live  
at Chapel Green. Else cowardice and shame  
shall be upon your name until your death."

The seasons slipped, and Anna feigned that she  
had never sworn to visit Chapel Green.  
But Arthur would not let her shirk the charge  
upon her. Threats reproachful forced her hand,  
and fearfully she set out for the girl  
at Chapel Green. She rode from Camelot  
at last, avoided conflict on her way,  
and fled from Chapel Green. With three days to  
fulfill her debt, within a hidden glen,  
she found a castle. Hoping she was far  
away, she hailed, "Am I near Chapel Green?"

The castle's lady welcomed her, "From here  
it's but two miles." Blond and fair with deep  
blue eyes, the lady said, "I'm Elsa. You  
are welcome here, an honored guest, until  
you leave for Chapel Green. So stay with us  
and play with me a game. Each morning I'll  
go out to hunt. When evening comes, I'll give  
you what I won while hunting in the woods.  
And should while staying here you win a prize  
from anyone, I'll take in trade that prize."

When morning came and Elsa left to hunt  
the does within the woods, the castle lord,  
her husband Kristoff, joined the knight within  
her bed. He planned seduction, tempting words  
and stolen kisses. Anna's lustful gaze,  
however, proved her loins had mastered her.  
The sun had passed its noontime peak before  
her thirst was quenched. When Elsa's hunt was done,  
the quarry killed and gutted, Anna took  
the lady to her bed, and gave her kiss  
for kiss what she had won from Kristoff. Hours  
of pleasure passed before the feast began.

At crack of dawn did Elsa rise to hunt  
a boar. And Kristoff came to Anna's bed,  
seduction in his thoughts once more. The knight  
would not be tempted, though, for that was much  
too tame. Instead she took him in the hall  
and showed her lust to one and all. At night  
when Elsa came back home, she made the boar  
a gift to Anna. Showing off her day's  
success, the knight took Elsa on the floor.

The trickster fox was Elsa's prey upon  
the rising of the day. And Kristoff's plan  
was fit to match, for Anna's lust was keen  
he knew. A girdle green he offered her,  
an aphrodisiac he said, for her  
to wear at Chapel Green. "The green girl can't  
resist it," Kristoff said. "No axe will touch  
your head." That night when Elsa came, the knight  
to save herself withheld the girdle green.

At Chapel Green on Christmas Day, the knight  
arrived and met the verdant girl. "Now bow,"  
the green girl said. The knight set down upon  
her knee, with confidence in girdle green.  
The green girl swung her axe, and Anna did  
not flinch. The axe passed by her neck but air  
alone it touched. With smirking face the knight  
did rise, until the green girl said, "I get  
a practice swing or two." The knight returned  
upon her knee, now fearful for her neck's  
demise. Another swing, and Anna flinched,  
but head and shoulders stayed attached. The axe  
had struck but air. "A practice swing again,"  
the green girl said, "the next one's going to sting."  
When Anna heard the axe descend, a shriek  
arose from deep within, and Anna dove  
to dodge the axe. The green girl struck her on  
her neck a gentle blow to break the skin,  
but nothing more, then drew the axe away.

When Anna rose her eyes went all agog,  
for Elsa stood before her clad in green.  
"The girdle green you took from Kristoff proves  
you cowardly. You're not as brave as knights  
should be, and Arthur's got enough to spare.  
So live with us despite our trick, with me  
and Kristoff." Anna let her lust run free,  
all morning, evening, every day. She made  
her home by Chapel Green, and left behind  
the Table Round. At Camelot, the knights  
weren't grieved; she didn't fit in anyway.


	6. Small Claims

FADE IN:

BEGIN TITLES

VOICEOVER: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

BYRD: All parties in the matter of Arendelle vs. Arendelle, step forward.

QUEEN ELSA and PRINCESS ANNA step forward.

VOICEOVER: 21-year old Queen Elsa of Arendelle is suing her sister, 18-year old Princess Anna of Arendelle, for destroying her coronation cake. Princess Anna is countersuing for emotional distress.

BYRD: Order! All rise.

JUDGE JUDY sits at the bench. BYRD gives her the case file.

BYRD: This is case number 153 on the calendar in the matter of Arendelle vs. Arendelle.

JUDGE JUDY: Thank you.

BYRD: You're welcome. Parties have been sworn in. Folks, have a seat please.

JUDGE JUDY (to QUEEN ELSA): Miss Arendelle, you and your sister used to live together. You say that you had a cake baked for your coronation, and you allege your sister destroyed it.

QUEEN ELSA: That's correct.

JUDGE JUDY: And you're suing her for the cost of the cake, which you say was $1,200.

QUEEN ELSA: Yes, Ma'am.

JUDGE JUDY (to PRINCESS ANNA): And you, Miss Arendelle, agree that the cake was destroyed, but you say you didn't do it.

PRINCESS ANNA: Yes.

JUDGE JUDY: And you're countersuing for $2,000 for "emotional distress". We'll get back to that.  
(to QUEEN ELSA)  
How did you learn that the cake was destroyed?

QUEEN ELSA: In the evening, after I was crowned, I noticed that there was no cake at the ball. So I asked Kai—

JUDGE JUDY: Who's Kai?

QUEEN ELSA: He's the butler. So I—

JUDGE JUDY (to KAI): Is that you?

KAI: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE JUDY: Alright. For a moment I was worried he was your boyfriend. Continue.

QUEEN ELSA: So I asked Kai what had happened and he said that Anna had destroyed the cake.

JUDGE JUDY (to KAI): Come up here.

KAI approaches the stand.

JUDGE JUDY: How did you learn that the cake was destroyed?

QUEEN ELSA: It was when Anna—

JUDGE JUDY: No, I don't want to hear from you. You don't know what happened. You said the first time you found out the cake was destroyed was when he told you, right? Right?

QUEEN ELSA: Yes.

JUDGE JUDY: So keep quiet.  
(to KAI)  
How did you learn that the cake was destroyed?

KAI: That morning I was double-checking everything for the coronation ball. And there were some chocolates missing, and Anna loves chocolates, so—

JUDGE JUDY: What does this have to do with the cake?

KAI: It proves she was there, because—

JUDGE JUDY: Did you see her taking the chocolates?

KAI: I didn't have to—

JUDGE JUDY: Yes you did. If you didn't see her it proves nothing. I'm getting impatient. How did you learn there was no more cake?

KAI: Someone had dropped a bust into the cake. So I asked if anyone had seen what happened, and—

JUDGE JUDY: Let me get this straight. You didn't see—

KAI: —everyone saw Princess Anna singing—

JUDGE JUDY: Listen to me! Listen to me! Hey!

KAI: Yes, Ma'am.

JUDGE JUDY (to PRINCESS ANNA): Don't you smirk like that, young lady! Just because I don't like them doesn't mean I like you.  
(to KAI)  
You didn't see her destroy the cake. You didn't see her touch the cake. You didn't see her anywhere near the cake. Correct?

KAI: Yeah.

JUDGE JUDY: Did anyone see her destroy the cake?

QUEEN ELSA: Uh...

JUDGE JUDY: "Uh" is not an answer! You have no evidence. None!

QUEEN ELSA: But she was singing and dancing and—

JUDGE JUDY: So what? Do you destroy a cake every time you sing and dance?

COURTROOM laughs.

JUDGE JUDY (to PRINCESS ANNA): Let's hear your side. Did you go singing and dancing with a bust, or whatever it is they're alleging?

PRINCESS ANNA: Kinda.

JUDGE JUDY: There's no "kinda". Which is it?

PRINCESS ANNA: Well, yeah.

JUDGE JUDY: While this was going on, did you destroy her cake?

PRINCESS ANNA: Not really. I mean—

JUDGE JUDY: Hold it, stop right there. Do you know what "yes" and "no" mean?

PRINCESS ANNA: Um...

JUDGE JUDY: Do you or do you not understand the words "yes" and "no"?

PRINCESS ANNA: Yes.

JUDGE JUDY: So when I ask you a yes or no question, what kind of response do you think I expect? Tell me yes or no, did you destroy her cake?

PRINCESS ANNA: Her cake got destroyed but—

JUDGE JUDY: By you or not?

PRINCESS ANNA: The bust slipped out of my hands.

JUDGE JUDY: Oh, I get it. It's all clear to me now. You destroyed her cake, but you don't think it's your fault because it was an accident.

PRINCESS ANNA: But—

JUDGE JUDY: Do I look stupid to you? You just admitted that you destroyed her cake.

PRINCESS ANNA: I didn't—

JUDGE JUDY: That's not how these things work. It doesn't matter whether it's an accident or not. When you destroy someone else's property, you have to pay them back.  
(to QUEEN ELSA)  
Do you have a receipt for the cake?

QUEEN ELSA takes out a receipt. BYRD delivers the receipt to JUDGE JUDY.

JUDGE JUDY: Okay.  
(to PRINCESS ANNA)  
Miss Arendelle, you're making a counterclaim for "emotional distress." Explain.

PRINCESS ANNA: When we were young, we always used to play together, and then one day she just shut me out—

JUDGE JUDY: Do I look like Dr. Phil? I don't care if you used to play together. Tell me what she did to you.

PRINCESS ANNA: She hid in her room for years, and I never saw her.

JUDGE JUDY: You're saying she ignored you.

PRINCESS ANNA: Yes.

JUDGE JUDY: She did $2,000 worth of ignoring you.

PRINCESS ANNA: It really hurt—

JUDGE JUDY: That's not a case. It doesn't matter how much she hurt your feelings. Hurting someone's feelings is not a case! Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $1,200. Counterclaim is dismissed, good bye.

BYRD: The parties are excused. You may step out.

ROLL CREDITS.

INT. OUTSIDE COURTROOM - 1

QUEEN ELSA: She knew she ruined my cake.

INT. OUTSIDE COURTROOM - 2

PRINCESS ANNA: I had nothing to do with it.

INTERCUT QUEEN ELSA and PRINCESS ANNA

QUEEN ELSA: I think she did it intentionally. She's jealous that I'm queen and she's just the spare.

PRINCESS ANNA: She's cold and heartless. It's like we're not even sisters.

QUEEN ELSA: And she's so petty, but Judge Judy saw right through her.

PRINCESS ANNA: I'm going to try to forget about her. From now on, she's not a part of my life.

END CREDITS.

FADE OUT.


	7. Moby-Hans

Call me Elsa. Some years ago, being restless on land, I took to the sea as an ordinary seawoman on a three-year whaling voyage. Upon joining the most primitive Indian about, a man named Olaf whose speech and manner were so uncouth that they caricatured themselves, we set to searching for a doomed vessel. The image of the Pequod, with its tumultuous accretions of trophies wrested from passing cetaceans, brought us on board. Upon hearing that its Captain Anna would not take us whaling at all, but would prefer to sacrifice us in pursuit of the whale that had bitten off her leg, we signed on at once.

The boredom of whaling cannot be captured in less than a thousand pages. A man who has never been to sea falls asleep while reading of it, and so experiences the boredom for himself, while the man who has been to sea skips ahead in the narrative until something else happens. So this part of the Pequod's voyage, on whales and their pursuit and their pursuers, remains better untold, for then the reader may concoct in his mind some story to fill in the gap, and whatever story it might be it would be of more interest than the one I would tell.

Captain Anna's form seemed made out of solid marble, as chiseled by Michaelangelo into a feminine David. Laid upon her head was a crown of fiery braids. Such a singular effect it made on me that for a time, I failed to notice the rude ivory leg, fashioned from the polished bone of a whale's jaw, which descended from her knee. But when she walked, its pounding put in my mind the gnashing teeth of the whale that had dismembered her, or perhaps even the snapping jaws of Cerebus.

For years, the White Whale had haunted the seas frequented by whalers, and, owing to his uncommon ferocity and peculiar visage, had become the subject of legends. His skin was generally white, but for some patches of color on his underside, that gave the effect of a dinner jacket. A peculiar patch of wrinkles and auburn birthmarks made him appear to wear cetaceous sideburns.

When at last Moby Hans was spotted, Captain Anna ordered the boats dropped to give chase. She stood in the bow of her boat, wielding a harpoon forged of hairpins and baptized in chocolate sauce, and as the whale rose beneath her boat and smashed it to pieces, she stabbed the harpoon into the whale's head with a cry of vengeance. Yet the whale was not stopped, nor slowed. My boat picked the captain up before she sank beneath the waves, and with a cry, she ordered us after the whale again.

As Moby Hans came within range of my boat, and swelled up in front, widening its jaw as if to take us down with it to Hades, I abandoned my post at the oars, stood, and raising my hand, cast a spell of ice upon it. A crust of frost, crumpled like paper wrapping, spread over the whale and then to the ocean beneath, until the two of them, whale and water, were solid, floating in the green ocean, and my boat floated before them.

"The whale. Is it dead?" asked Captain Anna.

"Most certainly Sir," I said.

Captain Anna disembarked onto the ice floe and stepped up to the face of the whale, eyeing it at a distance, then squinting, then getting onto her hands and knees to inspect the mottled, frosty skin and its lumps and wrinkles. A long stare passed between them, the death of her nemesis having provoked from her a meditation on lunacy and monomania, when at last, she yelled to its ghost, "The only frozen heart around here is yours!" and punched it across its nose.

From which point onward, Captain Anna became renowned among whalers for her free and joyful nature. She returned to the boat and clapped me on the shoulder. Olaf celebrated with some delightfully primitive ritual that was not humiliating in the least. And as we sailed away from the corpse of Moby Hans, the waves beat against the White Whale until it cracked in two and sank beneath the waves forever more.


End file.
